Heading into the holidays...

Well, things are beginning to settle down. I may have a roommate this weekend, and I may or may not be working again on Monday. I am just waiting to hear back from the temp agency. The legal world always slows down for the winter holidays so if I don't get something going now, I may be out of luck. I have exhausted my unemployment benefits but I was working for a bit before my extension was granted or denied. We shall see.

Ian is coming home for Christmas and Michael has chosen to stay put. Apparently Ian convinced him it was his turn so Michael couldn't come. I made the offer, but this is the last time I will get to spend quality time with Ian before he graduates and goes off to bootcamp. DO NOT even get me started on thinking about the fact my baby has joined the Army!

Child support has been set. Basically for the next year and a half, he gets his retirement money back plus a bit more. It is what it is.

My scar, I know, which one?

The scar on my chest from where they yanked out the port (formerly known as the sucking chest wound) is hurting like an SOB. For a while, it was down to a very dull roar and at times it still itches like crazy. But, for some reason, it has decided to really start hurting again. Oh well, this too shall pass and if it is my only complaint, I am lucky!

I've been shot...twice

Pursuant to orders from Dr. B, I have now had both an annual flu shot and the H1N1 shot. Apparently I fall into one of the "at risk" categories.

Princess and the pea...again

Just like when I was undergoing chemo, my body hurts most days. A large part of it has to do with sitting or laying down for extended periods of time. Working, even little bits here and there, seems to help, but at the end of the day I am wiped out. It is very hard to get to sleep when my body is screaming at me and I can feel the label on the inside of my pajama bottoms pressing into my back. Like I said, moving around and walking around helps and it seems to get a bit better. I am glad for the sleeping pills because they allow me to achieve deep sleep and I seem to be back to rolling from side to side during sleep. This helps keep the pressure more even and off of one particular spot (read left hip). I am still amazed at the number of folks who seem to love the new hair.

The hair

I am totally amazed at the number of people who stop me to compliment me on my hair! I am not saying I think it looks bad, but really? When they ask me who does my hair or who cut my hair I explain it is hair by chemo. I wonder how long I can use this excuse to keep it realllllly short? So far, it is not really long enough to do anything with so the options are very limited. I am dead broke as well so hair cuts and coloring are not an option. What can I say, just riding that gravy train.

Ok, here's the deal...

The leaves are turning, the air is becoming more brisk, we are digging into our closets to find our gloves and winter hats, so it is safe to say it is that time of year again. The time when thoughts turn to stuffed birds, lighted trees, decking the halls, giving crap we can't afford to people we barely care about, but I digress.

I was thinking about Christmas cookies. I have all the candied fruit to make my usual batches of baked pieces of joy, but then it dawned on me, I don't have all the rest of the stuff. For those of you who are fans, and you know who you are, the deal is that I cannot afford to do any holiday baking this year. It isn't just the candied fruit, it is the 15 pounds of butter, 5 pounds of nuts, 4 dozen eggs, 20 pounds of sugar, you get the idea. Add to that the $30 or so I spend on containers and the $150+ I spend on postage, you can see that it is just not a doable thing this year.

So, unless someone wants to donate the $250+ to make holiday baking happen, it isn't going to happen. I am thinking I may try the stolen and fruit cake, but with the exception of one very special person, it won't be mailed anywhere and instead will be delivered to local friends only. Did I mention that when the computer crashed it took with it my master cookie list, master list of necessary ingredients and the mailing list/addresses? Don't get me wrong, I LOVE doing the holiday baking. I enjoy knowing that people are happy to see the boxes arrive in the mail. I will miss having a "normal" Christmas this year, but with the downturn of the economy comes the sad realization that grasshopper squares from Catherine may be a thing of the past. Just another reason to hate on the Bush administration!

Shot myself in the foot, so to speak!

I was called into work at the last minute Friday. I worked 3 hours Friday, 8.5 hours Saturday and 6.75 Sunday. Because unemployment runs through Saturday, I may have made just enough to disqualify myself for TWO weeks of unemployment with the extra money the state gives me to make child support payments. I crunched the numbers and it seems that working this weekend likely cost me $500. It will likely mess up unemployment payments for two whole weeks and I will have to likely go online and reapply. What can I say, it was worth it to get back in the saddle and it reminds me of the need to get a "real" job.

Almost forgot, tis' the season!

Let the fun and games begin! It is like deja vu all over again! It is that time of year and who can forget how much fun we had last year at this time! Dead bird and dead tree season are upon us. Tis' the season to suck it up and spend time with our "loved ones". I am looking forward to actually experiencing the holidays this year as last year was kinda a bust, to say the least. I would LOVE to host and cook the whole dead bird meal, but I am not up to putting myself in the middle of the who eats where and with whom debate that must now start. All I know is that I am glad that my ex got his family in the divorce and because I live alone in the city, I can choose to do whatever I want this year.

Stuff and hairy arm pits

I can honestly say the ONLY thing I miss about the chemo was no shaving. I know, TMI! The funny thing is that when I actually looked in the mirror yesterday I realized that the patch of hair under the armpit on the side that underwent radiation is about the size of a golf ball, while the other side is 3 times as long and wide. It is like that armpit now extends down to my bra line. It also made me realize they had stretched the skin down when they did the reduction, but it is just another weird thing.

I now have a pan of lasagna in the freezer and it seems to have been done just in time. It is now 12:46pm and as of 10:45 they had changed the start time of my new project to 3:00pm today. Fortunately, Nikka (who lives next door) is working as well so we can ride in together. Misery loves it some company! I am not complaining that they keep changing the date and time, but the emotional yo-yo crap is tough on the spirit. Again, it is not confirmed but I may or may not be working for one weekend, this weekend, project to end on Sunday...who knows?!? All I do know is that will likely screw up my unemployment and I will wind up making less.

All the news...

Yesterday was a visit with Dr. B, who says I seem to be doing well, but she is concerned that my white count was down a bit since my last blood work, last month. It is still "normal", but it went down so she is scratching her head. Dr. B also confirmed what Becky's mom said about being "tired" or bone weary for months following radiation. I feel like I did at the end of chemo, but only at night. I don't seem to feel as tired during the day, but the minute my ass hits the couch after dinner, I am toast. This, like shingles, could go on for almost a year after radiation. Like I said, the good thing is I seem to be ok while I am moving, but just crash at the end of the day.

I went to the dentist today and they put an actual filling into the root canal tooth after finishing (?) the root canal?? They just seemed to keep drilling on it and I think this was their fourth or fifth go at it. Either way, it was deemed "finished" and I was told to get a crown. Between the intake work and the crown, it should cost me about $650 at the UIC dental school. That is on my list of shit to do after the paychecks start coming again.

Roommate issue is still up in the air and I re posted the ad. I have 2 possible people coming to look at the place in the next 2 days and we shall just have to see. Tomorrow is the radiologist and then I am done until I seem my regular doc next month for my annual physical.

Of course...

the potential roomie was told that they had yet to conduct a background check so it would be another week before they could let her know if they could even offer her the job. So, that means I have to hit the ground running again and start posting my ad. It would have been too nice and too easy so of course it won't work...LOL

I have had 2 calls about the cedar chest but no takers so far. I plan to get pictures and ads of the buffet and china cabinet up along with a few other pieces. Might as well plan for the worst and hope for the best. If I do have to leave in a hurry, might as well lighten the load. I have to go through all my closets and bring my suits to the resale shop. Most of my good clothes no longer fit and because the reduction was sooooo radical, taking them in is not an option.

It ain't over yet...

This week I revisit my old friends the oncologist and the radiologist...oh yeah, and the dentist. I should be fine but it will be nice to hear the blood work is all normal. I should find out this afternoon whether or not I have a roommate. She is at her interview as we speak and my hopes and prayers are with her. Her getting a job would help both of us. I have now officially scaled back the resume to bare bones, such as only listing the BA, with the understanding that I am willing to do just about anything and everything else is irrelevant. I do not need a fancy degree to answer phones and do filing...LOL

So, bbq beef is in the freezer and the next project is lasagna. I am thinking I will only put spinach in it and not zucchini because the zucchini may not freeze as well. I will make a small batch with and freeze it as a test run.

Food obsessed

Now that I can taste things and my teeth are temporarily fixed enough to eat carefully, I find myself obsessed with eating and with food. I don't eat to just stuff my face, but any small craving I get becomes a cooking and eating adventure. I picked apples at a local park and turned them into caramel apple cheesecake. Mere mention of bbq beef at mom's for dinner sent me flying for the cheap pot roasts that make for great bbq beef. (The double batch I made is sitting in the fridge waiting for me to pull out the fat and bones!) Thoughts of spinach/zucchini lasagna dance through my head. I am using the hell out of the freezer out back to freeze up individual portions or dinner party portions of everything so I won't have to cook when I go back to work. Note, I did not say "IF" I go back to work :-)

Yesterday I met with the director for the Evanston Piccolo Theater and it seems I might become a member of the board. He took me for lunch at an exquisite Italian bistro where I ordered a salad. Roasted red peppers, marinated fresh mushrooms, and just a small sprinkle of the most amazing and buttery goat cheese I have ever had. What made it perfect was the cappuccino at the end. Starbucks has NOTHING on a real cappuccino served in a real Italian restaurant.

I am planning a trip today to the farmers market in Evanston for some of the last of the season harvest. I do not think I have eaten enough real tomatoes to make up for the first half of the summer where I could not taste them.

I know you like me enough...

to say I am a great person who does great things if anyone calls looking for a reference. Please ask them what position it is for because I am applying to everything from legal assistant or administrative assistant to attorney. I have taken the JD and MBA off all of the non-attorney resumes as it throws up a huge red flag. I don't want to necessarily explain in my cover letter that I am now over breast cancer and desperate for a job. I figure I can save that for the face-to-face interview :-) I am not lying to anyone, I am just cutting back to the bare bones. By my calculations I have about another month of unemployment and then I am being cut lose. All is fair in love and job hunting! For the record, I try to make it a habit to shoot a quick email to anyone I might use as a reference so they are not blindsided out of left field.

I have decided to stay

I am staying put for now, which does not preclude eviction, because I just am not up to moving. I went ahead and bit the bullet and paid my October rent. I do not have a job lined up and I do not have a roommate, but what I do have is faith that everything will work out in the end. Cliff is fighting the retirement issue, in that he forwarded a copy of the most recent order saying the money was to be put into a trust account for the boys and I, so when the order is ruled on next month he will wind up owing me a huge chunk of change. I may be postponing the inevitable, as to the eviction issue, but I feel ok about it.

Someone asked me the other day if I would rather have a great job or a great love life. Without even blinking an eye I answered that I would rather have a career! I am now focused on getting that started and the heck with all the rest.

But do you love me enough...

to help me move? It has been STRONGLY recommended that I consider just up and moving on Oct. 1. I should use my October rent payment as a deposit and first month's rent on a new place in the $600/month range. Of course, the person who is strongly suggesting this has no plans to help me physically move, just offered to drive me around town to view apartments. I am being told I am stubborn and too attached to my shit to stay put in an apartment I cannot afford to live in while I am unemployed and don't have a roommate. I agree. I also find the whole idea of packing, selling, moving, even half my shit, to be overwhelming and exhausting in nature. I would have LOVED to move Sept. 1 so as to never have to worry about the roommate issue again, but as most recall, I was in the nursing home for weeks before the first, making apartment hunting and moving a REALLY hard option.

Although I am not too worried about the landlord coming after me, I worry about getting approved to move into a new place. It is my understanding and experience that being unemployed and broke is the last thing a landlord wants to see on the application. There are some places that will let you move in with a non-refundable fee and no deposit, no application fee, but that still doesn't deal with the physical move itself. The cost of moving is never cheap and I have JUST ENOUGH to pay the rent and deposit with not a dime extra to pay for a moving van, let alone the movers to move my shit. It has been suggested I just pack my necessary stuff and move whatever my friends will help me move, and abandon the rest.

I understand that by staying I am simply putting off a possible eviction if I don't get a job AND a roommate, but is moving really, truly, honestly an option? Am I being stupid to stay? Does anyone love me enough to want to really move me in a week or three? Really? I am asking for feedback. The mere thought of all this makes me want to cry but I hate being broke in a place I cannot afford and only rented because I thought the boys were moving home. I love this place, but I am totally realistic in knowing that it won't get better by just postponing the possible inevitable.

The little head

Last week I felt an itch on my back. It is in the middle of my back and I was unable to reach it no matter how I stretched. When I looked in the mirror I noticed something resembling a pimple on my back. Needless to say, it is now huge. I would say it was the size of a second human head, but I would be only slightly exaggerating. It is the size of a quarter and it hurts like all hell. I had the nurse at the VA look at it yesterday and she confirmed it was just a pimple run amok and not a second head sprouting from my back. She recommended hot compresses and waiting it out.

The news flash on hot flashes

For those of you (read men) who have never experienced a hot flash, let me tell you, it is like getting punched and pulled at the same time. Apparently my "hormone therapy" pills, that I am supposed to take for the next 5 years, cause hot flashes. Or, if they don't cause them, they certainly make the experience more intense. It is like a lave flow that starts somewhere in your trunk and moves to the top of your head. I don't know about anyone else, but I can feel them coming on and it makes me want to yell, "hang on, we got another one coming", every time it happens. I used to joke and refer to them as "power surges" and that is actually what they feel like. All I know is that if I didn't take my sleeping pill at night, they would be strong enough to knock me out of my bed. With the sleeping pill I appear able to sleep through most of them. Five years of this huh? Makes one wonder if the cure is not worse then the disease at times. Oh well, time to start researching a natural remedy for the hot flashes that don't manage to spike the levels of estrogen in my body that the pills work so hard to suppress.

Damn them!

As anyone with tomato plants knows, this has been a lousy summer for tomatoes. It seems it has not been hot enough to get the tomatoes to ripen. I FINALLY had one large beautiful looking slightly pink tomato that I have been watching for weeks now. I found it laying on the ground today. Those damned squirrels took a few bites from it and left it to rot. Damn them! Did I mention I now have the cutest looking baby squirrel begging for nuts as well as good old Chippy? It is the cutest thing. Apparently its mother never taught it to bury some of the nuts because he just likes to sit out there and eat them. Miss Kitty thinks it looks adorable as well, or is that tasty?

Fatigue. Lately I have been more tired then I recall being with chemo. It is not just a day or two once a week, but a long-term lingering sort of fatigue that seems to take me over. I am desperately trying to decide if this is some sort of mild depression, being jobless and all, but I don't think it is because as many times as I was jobless in the past, it never manifested itself like this. Prior bouts of melancholy were more mental in nature and not really physical at all. I believe there is a huge difference between being lazy and being physically tired. Either way, I really, really, really need to get back to work.

What is it about men and finishing things?

I had my follow-up at Hines today for my tooth. The dentist stated that even though it had broken, it should be saveable. The partial root canal the dentist started two weeks ago was supposed to be finished today. Instead, they did a partial root canal, AGAIN! I have no idea what they did last time, except it involved drilling holes. This time, they took the broken portion of my tooth out and then drilled some more. I am waiting for them to call me to schedule a time to finish the job, but not holding my breath.